Have you ever been banned from a sports venue because you are breathing wrong and the players can hear you? Well it probably comes as no surprise to you that I have!
Now before you think I am a football mum, shouting and swearing on the sidelines, telling my son to kick the opponents and calling the referee a twat, let me just enlighten you that the sport we are referring to is golf.
I am well aware of golf course etiquette, after all I have had an unofficial stint of caddying on European Challenge Tour nearly 30 years ago as some of you might remember (Plastered People and Scouse with Subtitles), but oh boy, I was obviously not aware of the unwritten rules for a mother trying to support her son!
I know exactly where to walk safely as a spectator, I naturally know when not to speak or take photos, rattle keys or coins in my pocket or make any sounds that could distract any of the players. However, when son started playing golf on a county level, I soon realised that apparently I was worse than Judy Murray!
My darling then teenage son soon complained about my behaviour. It seemed that I had cheered too loud when he sank a winning putt for his county, which was truly embarrassing just not for him but for the entire county team. He could also hear me sigh every time he missed a putt in any competition. And if his eye caught mine anytime on the golf course, apparently that was also mega annoying.
But I think the ultimate deal breaker came when I was told by him that “he could hear me breathe” amongst all the other spectators and that I was breathing wrongly. Now, my choices at that point were:
- To stop breathing (which I didn’t give much consideration to be honest)
- To learn to breathe differently (which after breathing a certain way for nearly 50 years, seemed a fairly cumbersome thing to learn)
- Not attend any of son’s big competitions
After careful consideration I found that I would be constantly aware of my “wrong breathing” and it would subsequently stress me out so much at tournaments that I might either pass out or piss off son for the rest of his life. So a decision was made for his wrongly breathing embarrassing Finnish mother to stay away.
Years have passed since and my son is no longer a teenager, but I am still staying away, nowadays following his scores on twitter and either sighing or cheering loudly on the sofa whilst breathing normally!
Have you as a parent been banned from watching your children? Hopefully I am not the only one!
Love and peace to everyone!