Did you know that I’m a secret ninja? Well, when I’m in the supermarket that is! I know what I want and like a ninja I navigate the aisles with my computer printed list and try and slip out as quick as possible. Except other people seem to constantly ruin my mission.
Don’t get me wrong, I do love older people, but why do they always have to shop at the busiest times when working people are shopping? It is also thoroughly annoying when people, mostly older again, suddenly stop in the middle of the aisles like they are rehearsing an emergency break for their driving test! Likewise, overhearing them bicker and argue after a 50 year marriage makes me need counselling! And someone explain to a Finn why when at the tills, paying comes a surprise to them, taking forever looking for their purse and wallets? Did they not used to have to pay for groceries in Britain?? Have Tesco and Sainsbury’s been running a bartering programme I’m not aware of?
And whilst we are at it, can you please control your children when I’m out shopping? It is not Supermarket Sweep, neither is it the Monte Carlo rally so there is no need for a 9-year old boy to drive your trolley in that manner! And can you please stop treating a trip to the supermarket like a day out! There is really no need for the entire family to attend and to walk three abreast in a slow pace, stopping to admire everything like you’ve never seen spaghetti hoops and ketchup before. Neither is there a need to suddenly feed your children in the middle of the aisle. Honestly? How far away from the supermarket do you live? Outer Mongolia? I am absolutely certain that your children will not die of starvation before reaching home if they don’t get that snack pack of grapes at that particular moment!
At this point I can hear you ask “Why do you not order online and have all your groceries delivered?” Well, I do admit it is a good idea and I have indeed used online shopping a few times, especially when we’ve been ill. However, if the item you ordered is not in stock, the supermarket will bring you a substitute product of their choice. And this is where it all went wrong for me last time I did an online supermarket shop. I had ordered some mini Magnums (luxury ice creams) that I was looking forward to indulge myself in, when ASDA for some incomprehensive reason decided to bring me some Mini Milks instead. That is when my love affair with online shopping ended.
So , back to the brick and mortar supermarket, where you’ve now finally paid and think it’s going to be a doddle from here onwards. But no, you have forgotten about getting out of the parking lot!
Like the other day when I had to watch a 90-year old man (in sunglasses on a cloudy day) trying to park for 15 minutes, clogging up the entire car park so that no-one could get in or out. His wife got out of the car and then tried to orchestrate the whole manoeuver for the chap who seemed both blind and deaf. Whilst this is going on, another lady reverses out of her spot, without using her rear mirrors, totally ignorant of the fact that the car opposite her was reversing out simultaneously!
So after waiting for 15 minutes and nearly witnessing two accidents, I finally got to reverse out of my spot. This is when from absolutely out of nowhere, in some apparent stealth mode, the 90-year old chap in sunglasses had suddenly decided to walk behind my car and I nearly ran him over! And all this is happening whilst my car stereo is blasting out the Queen song “Who Wants to Live Forever?”
In fact, I could actually already hear another Queen song in my head, with Freddie Mercury singing the most famous line from Bohemian Rhapsody: “Mama…I just killed a man…”
Honestly, you couldn’t make it up. Supermarkets are so stressful. I need a drink.